I’ve recently been dealing with a squeaky wheel.  I say squeaky wheel, but I mean braying jackass.  It’s physically painful to hear this person speak.  This person comes off as a bully, then your buddy, then your enemy, then your buddy while making all kinds of threats and accusations.  I know the world is full of  these types.  I usually do my best to avoid them and for the most part I do a good job.  I can’t avoid this one.  Dammit!  I can’t find a remedy for this.  This person isn’t going to stop this non-sense.  It will continue on forever until he gets what he wants, which is unreasonable at best.  I guess this is why the world is full of these squeakers.  They get what they want even when it’s stupid.  My kind of person only makes reasonable requests and is always affable during the process.  That is how I am.  I don’t want to inconvenience anyone.  I feel guilty enough asking for anything.  That’s how my type rolls.  We don’t always get what we want but we’re always pleasant.  We’re out there making the world a friendlier place, a nicer place.  But no, you jackasses out there, you squeakers,  you desire to jeopardize our tranquility with your hateful stupidity.  There’s got to be a way to deal with your type.  I have an idea.  It’s just an idea mind you.

     I think we could set up some type of hotline that would work like one of those phone sex things, only it would deal exclusively with squeakers.  The trick here would be keeping the squeakers from knowing it’s just a hot-line for their type.  Any business could use the service when dealing with a squeaker.  Just tell the squeaker that you are transferring him or her to the person in charge.  That’s when you connect him or her with the hot-line.  The squeaker then lodges a complaint, yells, and generally talks ridiculous as they do.  The hotline employee plays along and takes all this abuse but also listens closely to the person gleaning any personal information.  It is my belief that a squeaker is someone who needs affirmation, who needs love.  After gathering a little information the hotline employee will then strike up an informal conversation.  The hot-line employee will laugh and laugh at everything the squeaker thinks is funny.  The employee will also compliment the squeaker on their intelligence and thank them for being such a good person  and citizen.  After gaining a rapport with the squeaker, the hot-line employee will then manufacture a tragic story of their own.  The story must contain elements of loneliness and misfortune as well as the desire to continue chatting in a more personal way.  The  hot-line employee must work sex into the conversation after a rapport has been established.  This can be done by telling the squeaker how sexy they sound and how handsome or pretty they must be to have such a sexy voice and a high intellect.  The squeaker needs this affirmation.  It’s all about them against the world.  The hot-line employee must give them the affirmation they desire while establishing their own squeaker credentials.  A squeaker will only make a connection with another squeaker.  A normal/squeaker connection is impossible.  Squeakers will only mate with their own kind.  That’s why there are so many of them.  After the hotline employee has made a connection with the squeaker, then and only then will the hot-line employee begin phone sex proceedings.   Hotline employees will be trained in the squeaker way of mating.   I will demonstrate a typical passage from a normal squeaker mating ritual.  Squeaker-”you’re doing it wrong.  Why did you say that?  Why can’t you speak more clearly?”  “That’s not where that goes.”  The hot-line employee shall verse themselves in this insult-laden mating ritual.  When it is evident that the squeaker has finished his or her insult/mating sequence, the hotline employee shall quickly tell the squeaker that their complaint has been documented and thank them for their time and hang up.  The squeaker should be pacified by this, and if he or she ever calls back, make sure he or she speaks to the same hotline employee.  The sequence should then repeat thus locking the squeaker in a phone sex/anger/ affirmation vortex.  I believe us normals would pay good money to have these people out of our hair.  I know I would.  What a glorious rainbow filled day that would be!  Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high, why can’t I?  There’s no squeakers to offend us, tell me why, tell me why can’t I?  A guy can dream, right?