What kind of person am I?  What kind of person are you?  I think I’ve found an infallible method of telling what kind of person you are by observing you at a buffet pizza place.  I spent my lunch break today testing this new method out.  I’m thinking a Nobel Peace Prize is not out of the question for me when this method is scientifically proven to work without flaw.  Think of all the evil dictators in history that could have been observed eating at a pizza buffet long before any of them came to power.  Their personality profile would have been understood by everyone and thus catastrophe could  have been avoided.  But enough crowing about my incredible method.  Let me explain how it works and you will be exalting me on high for my genius.
All buffet places have the same layout.  Food is placed in long troughs with barriers attached to the tops to keep the very tall from grazing.  Herds of normal height human graze along them.  We have a bias toward the very tall in this country.  Who the hell do they think they are way up above everybody.  Thank god for those buffet barriers.  I believe they  do a good job in keeping the tall herd thinned down.  All sorts of feed is available in the buffet trough.  A pizza buffet is different to the usual buffet feed lot in that pizza is the main food served with some foraging material being a secondary food source.  This feature of the pizza buffet is of most importance.  By limiting the food source available for the  humans, an insight into their personality profile can be gained by careful observation of a few traits.
Trait One.  As the herd stands at the ready in front of the feeder, clerk one must watch carefully and pick out the ones with the shifty eyes.  This trait one profile type will constantly scan the pizza holding trough.  They are making sure an adequate supply of pizza is available.  They are also categorizing the layout of the trough and remembering which areas have the most caloric significance.  Trait Ones will also ease in front of other herd members to gain quicker access.  The most telling of the Trait One type is what they go for when they are handed their feed buckets.  All Trait One persons will always go for the pizza first.  This is important.  To be in the Trait One category one must always gather pizza first.  Trait One types are the alpha males of the world, the leaders.  They will always accept challenges and are very resourceful.  A good example of some Trait One types would be Abe Lincoln and Henry Ford.  Trait One types should always be venerated and given a high place in the human herd.  Without Trait One types there would be no college football nor any 500 horse power v-8 Chevy motors.  What a sad world that would be.
Trait Two.  This type will always go for the forage first.  They are comfortable in line and generally pay attention to casual conversation.  They never scan the trough area.  They receive their feed buckets and graze over the forage.  They are never in a hurry and seem to be much more interested in what’s happening around them than the feed in front of them.  They loiter around the forage area and the watering trough.  One can witness them making sounds of joy as they slowly move from forage area to the seating area.  They do not eat in a hurry and continue to be concerned with those around them than in the sustenance of the trough.  Trait Two types make very good house wives and chippendale’s dancers.  They’re not going to lead.  They desire to follow, to be a part of the herd.  A very good example of Trait Two types would be Laura Bush or her husband George.  Trait Two types should always be given a lowly role in the human herd.  They thrive in situations that require great physical labor or fixed attention to detail such as hoeing the garden or washing my pickup.
Trait Three.  This type is the most dangerous of all.  This type must be locked up immediately and never turned loose.  Trait Three types are the most baffling.  When one witnesses this behavior one gets a sense of foreboding.  Trait Three types always do things in perfect order.  They never look at the feed troughs when in line.  Their icy stare that seems to be seeing nothing should be the first tip off.  When they receive their feed buckets they go straight to the seating area where they place each item in perfect order.  They remove the water bucket and go to the watering trough with a glassy eyed stare.  When they return to the seating area  they gather one of their feed buckets and go to forage trough.  They meticulously place forage items in the bucket and coolly move to place this bucket back in their area.  They then creep to the pizza trough and neatly arrange pieces in the bucket.  They then arrange all their buckets in front of them.  They don’t so much eat their food as mechanically turn it into waste to be discarded later.  Their expression never changes as each trough item meets the same fate.  If you’ve never witnessed this behavior before it’s shocking.  One must take care to do nothing to disturb Trait three types.  These people are cold and calculating.  They lack souls.  A good example of Trait three people would be Adolf Hitler and the lady that shot me the finger today for taking her parking spot in front of the restaurant.