I’ve never given much thought to how I  look.  I’ve basically looked the same for a long time.  I pretty much wear the same stuff all the time.  As a matter of fact, I’ve been wearing the same stuff for so long that it came back in style.  That’s kind of nice.  I’ve gotten to look in style twice in my life.  As for my physical appearance, it hasn’t changed much either in twenty years or so.  Lately though I’ve been noticing the infomercials that deal with a person physical appearance.  I must say infomercials are starting to speak to me a little.  They’re finally getting through.

The hair restoration infomercials are really peaking my interest.  I mean I’m thinning up there.  Oh what the hell, I’ve got like an even dozen hairs on the top of my head.  I’ve got one per square inch of scalp up top.  That’s not enough to comb.  It’s alright though.  It hasn’t progressed down yet.  I  still have plenty on the sides and if I wear a hat or cap I look like I still have a full head of hair.  It’s not exactly false advertisement, it’s more like voluntarily witholding information.  I’m used to it by now.  I  started losing the hair up top when I was in High School.  Back then I wouldn’t take my hat off  for anything.  Anything!  I bathed with my hat on.  I swam  with my hat on.  That hat was not coming off.  If I met a young lady the  hat remained the one constant of our relationship.  If I thought I would be put in a situation where I might have to take my hat off I didn’t go.  Pretty soon the hat question would arise and I would have to find another girlfriend.  Better to have loved and lost than to have to take off your hat.  As I’ve aged I’ve become less stringent.  My wife says I look strange with hair in the pictures of my youth.  That’s a nice thing to say even though it’s a damn lie.  Still, it’s a nice thing to say.  But back to those hair re-growth infomercials.  The before and after pictures are the seller.  The before picture has a very unhappy bald guy in drab surroundings possibly chained to a five hundred pound woman.  The after picture is of the same guy resplendent with hair in luxurious surroundings with his arm around a sleek bikini clad love goddess.  Man that’s an image.  It makes you think, “if I had that hair treatment I maybe could get me a  young love goddess.”  Your mind starts to race.  Your pulse quickens.  Your hand quivers as it searches for pen and paper.  The number flashes on the screen.  You feel like a teenager again.  Then you hear this voice.  It’s not your voice.  It’s coming from the T.V.  It’s telling you that the ingredients in the hair treatment has caused Spontaneous Penis Explosion Syndrome or S.P.E.S. and if you experience a penis explosion you should seek medical treatment immediately.  Then the voice for warns of other potential problems  in women such as Animated Vaginal Dislocation and Zombification Syndrome  or A.V.D.Z.S.  Some women, while using the treatment, experience their vaginas leaping off of them and attacking pets and people.  If you experience a vagina zombification you should seek medical attention immediately.  I’m wondering if I’ve heard all this correctly.  My hand has stopped trembling and my life is starting to regain it’s focus.  My real love goddess walks in carrying a load of laundry to be folded.  She sees me with pad and pen watching the bald commercial.  She uses the look on me.   Every person in a long standing relationship knows the look.  I put the pen and paper down and change the channel.  I notice that I am still wearing my hat.  I don’t need anymore hair up there.  The look is right.  I need to keep her happy.  Maybe they’ll make a drug that helps guys keep their wives happy.  My hands start to tremble as I begin scouring the channels looking for another infomercial.  Explosions, zombies and the look be damned.