Me and two buddies of mine recently decided to go gambling.  Poker is our game of choice.  We believe we are exceptional poker players.  Most poker players believe they are exceptional players.  If they didn’t there wouldn’t be any  poker games.  We employ the traditional poker player habits.  If we lose a hand we decry our bad luck or we talk about how we knew the person had us beaten but we really thought we were going to fill that inside straight on the last card.  We stare at our opponents and we know exactly what cards they are holding especially when they’ve showed them and are raking our chips over to their pile.  We knew they had it.  That’s what makes us exceptional.  We knew it.  The timing of when we knew it seems to be the main issue for us.  We seem to know what cards our opponents have exactly when everyone else does.  When they  show them after the hand is over.  I still feel like an exceptional player though.  All you have to do is exclaim loudly “I knew it” when the hand is over.  By doing this you convey to the rest of the players that you are in fact an exceptional player and you don’t look so stupid when your pair of threes gets beaten by a full house.
Gambling did sound like a good idea to us.  A guys night out.  Three handsome hardened gamblers being let lose on the unsuspecting card playing masses.  The possibilities were astronomical.  So it was with great anticipation that we gathered ourselves in the awaiting chariot and raced to our destination.  Each one of us had bathed and shaved.  The scent of our Old Spice, Brute, and Aqua Velva after shave lotion mixed in the air to form an intoxicating aroma signifying the big money and high times that was sure to come.  We all had that cold steely glare in our eyes.  We had our cowboy hats pulled down tight.  Drivers in other vehicles made sure to give us plenty of room.  They could tell we meant business.  Soon we saw the glimmering lights of the Indian Casino we had decided to decimate.  Things were going as planned up to this point.  We parked and I swear I could hear eye of the tiger playing as we confidently strode in.  It may have been in my head though.
We were a little early for the card tournament so the first order of business was to get something to eat.  We decided on the buffet at the restaurant inside the casino.  The nice man at the front explained to us how incredible the food was.  It was Cajun night.  I love Cajun food so it was perfect.  Then he told us the  price.  Now I’m not a tight wad by any means.  I’m pretty much like a poor Charlie Sheen with the exception of being happily married and not on drugs.  Well OK I’m not like Charlie Sheen but I am not tight with money.  I just don’t have a whole lot.  So I can’t be just throwing it around willy nilly.  The nice man said 24.00 bucks a head.  He made it sound delicious.  I hadn’t quite gotten my head around the price when one of my friends started to pay his way in.  $24.00 bucks isn’t a lot of money.  It’s a guys nice out.  What the hell.  I pay and prepare myself for this incredible meal.  I won’t go into great detail here but I can describe to you what the food was like.  Let’s say the lunch ladies at a small rural high school in Oklahoma who have never tasted Cajun food and do not have a Cajun  cookbook decide to provide a Cajun menu because they have too  much rice.  They prepare hot dog weiner etoufee, hamburger gumbo, and a crawfish boil but instead of using crawfish they use pencil erasers.  This is what the food tasted like.  I thought about throwing up what little I ate but I couldn’t imagine having it pass through my mouth a second time.  I’ll let it work it’s way downward so it can be released in a more suitable form.  Maybe they could put it back on the buffet when this happens.  I doubt anyone would notice.  I’m working on a $24.00 dollar turd.  Damn.
A bad start to our joyous man trip.  I bitched quite a bit to my friends.  Such is my nature.  I like good food.  I dislike bad food.  It’s pretty simple really.  Good food equals happiness to me.  GF=H.  I perk up a little when I see the poker tables.  I will take my revenge here.  We confidently stride in and get some chips.  We split up.  We play.  I don’t really need to go into details here either.  Let’s just say I knew it and leave it at that.  I left the card playing area and hung around outside for a bit.  One of my friends said I knew it too and he joined me shortly.  We walked around a bit.  I heard some good music coming from inside this club.  We decide to go in and listen a while.  We’re standing in line when I read the sign that is posted by  the door.  It explains the dress code and we are in compliance until I get to the very end.  It says no cowboy hats.  We are in Oklahoma dammit.  No cowboy hats!  I’m really bitching now.  Oh boy am I bitching.  We get out of line and mill around a bit when we see our buddy.  He has won a little and he’s happy.  We’re happy for him or at least we pretend to be happy for him.  We play some slot machines and I see my fortunes diminishing.  I’ve had terrible and  expensive food, I’ve lost most of my money and they won’t let me go in and listen to the live band.  I’m bitching pretty good by now.
My friends take me into a country bar that is inside the casino.  They lady asks what I want to drink and I tell her I want t a dark beer.  Whatever you have.  She says they don’t sell dark beer.  Great.  Perfect.  It’s pretty simple for me really.  Good food, good music, and good beer equals a good time.  I don’t care what it costs.  That’s the combination I require.  In the end I’m drinking a beer that tastes like what I imagine pee tastes like, I’m still after tasting food I imagine what a turd tastes like, I’m broke, and I’m listening to  canned music that I dislike.  Wonderful.
Here is what I need someone to do to me if I ever decide to go back to this particular place.  If you see me walking up to the front entrance please run up and kick me in the testicles.  When I have fallen and over and am writhing in pain please urinate on me getting some in my mouth.  When you are through urinating on me please take my billfold and remove all of my money.  Do this to me with gusto.  Tell any passers by that it’s a new treatment for gambling addiction.  They’ll understand.